These are my personal experiences dealing with the reconciliation of my Christian faith (LDS/Mormon) and sexual orientation (gay). These posts have no political agenda. My sole purpose in writing is to engender understanding and love, and to bring together two worlds that sometimes seem mutually exclusive.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Defeating My Shame

I've recently had many opportunities to think about shame, and in the context of being LGBT, consider how shame is a barrier to happiness and progression. I'm no Brené Brown when it comes to shame (one of the leading experts on shame), but I've got some life experience with it. My intent is to share how shame negatively affected me on my life journey as well as a few things that helped free me of it.

Coming out was a process of decluttering my life psychologically. I had to rearrange, rethink, and reconsider everything I thought about being gay. I made many changes in my thinking, but perhaps the most life-altering lesson had to do with the sense of shame when it came to my identity. I found that I couldn't move forward in any aspect of life until this inner turmoil attached to my identity was resolved one way or another.

I'd like to start by sharing a part of a journal entry from a time about six months after I first sat down with my parents and told them I was gay. I wrote this during a time when I was struggling deeply. I try to keep anything that comes from my journal as close to what I initially wrote as possible, despite the urges to make changes. This entry remains completely unaltered.

May 19th, 2013

"I’m sitting in a Sunday school room during this second hour of class. I’ve been having a harder time than perhaps ever before. I’m out of ideas. Yesterday I had a complete break down. I just keep realizing that I’m ashamed of being me. A missionary from my mission was at the track meet so I went up and said hi to him. He asked me if I was dating anyone or if I was getting married any time soon. I said no, but didn’t mention that I was gay. I’m embarrassed and worry so much about what other people are thinking of me."

"This is obviously not a good way to think, since it has really been hard to be alive the last few days. There are so many things that are bothering me about all of this, I can’t even wrap my brain around it. No matter how much I tell myself that it’s okay to be me, and that it’s okay to be gay, I hate it. I hate me. I wish I were someone different all the time. I’ve wanted to “fit in” all of my life and have never been able to. That’s probably what’s been so hard lately. I just wish I were normal and that I could experience normal relationships and friendships like every other guy. But no, almost each relationship I have is affected by my being gay. It’s hard for me to watch straight guys all together without being bitter that I can’t do that without wanting more from the relationship. But wow, I’ve gotta get cool with myself, or else I’ll probably end up killing myself from the torture. Honestly, I’d rather be dead than feel the way I do. No kidding. People all say such nice things about me, but they have no idea that I fight the tendency to loathe who I am. That’s gotta stop! I can live like that."


"I’m on the verge of not being able to cope with this, so something has to change. I feel like if this goes on, I’ll become mentally ill or something. Seriously though, I can’t live life like this."

Reading these words brings back dark memories. If I remember correctly, I went into an empty room because I was losing my composure in Sunday school. This was a time when I felt trapped inside a person I hated, there was no running from what was happening and "fixing" it had been futile. Death seemed the only out, the only way to stop being me and to stop feeling what I felt... and what I felt was unworthy of loving myself. What I was feeling was shame, not of something I had done, but something deeper. It was shame of something that I was. Of course, I know that there is far more to myself than my sexual orientation, but it is a part of me, not a choice or something I do.

For me, my attraction to men is not just some transient feeling that waxes and wanes. It is as consistent as my natural hair color, eye color, or personality. It's just a part of my make up. Because I found that same-sex attraction was inseparable from me, despising it meant I despised myself. This self-perception was corrosive and began to destroy me. What magnified this even more was the idea that God believed similarly, that he abhorred what I felt and thus abhorred a part of me.

Establishing in my mind what God thought of LGBT people was a crucial step for me. Only until recently has there been any substantial conversation surrounding LGBT issues in the LDS church. Many of my teachers and leaders growing up were left to their own opinions or best efforts to describe how God felt about LGBT people. What was confirmed over and over was our standing belief on the value of the family and marriage. I also have to honestly say that even some respectable individuals in the church did not speak respectably about LGBT people.  This lack of dialogue created a gaping hole in my understanding of what God thought about what I was feeling and experiencing. I was left to guess what God thought about it all, and I usually guessed that he had harsh views when it came to LGBT stuff.

What came to guide me the most were my feelings, both spiritually and emotionally. As the depth of my shame became unbearable, I recognized that what I was feeling was dark, and kept me far from God. Because it kept me to far from him and any feelings of light, I concluded that it could not possibly be coming from him. So, I began to question what it was that God really felt about me.  It was around this time of deep self-loathing that a few simple experiences helped me toward a healthier perception of myself and God. My perspective and hope changed by understanding some simple truths and my life changed as a result.

One learned principle came through a process of talking things out with friends and family, as well as searching my soul for what I felt was true. On one occasion, I had spoken with someone about how I wondered if I could ever be the man God wanted me to be if I were gay, as if that would somehow bar me from being a good person (you can see that I thought there was inherent weakness or evil about LGBT people). As I talked with this man and later reflected on our conversation, I considered the possibility that I was just the way I needed to be, and that perhaps the opposite were true. Perhaps only the gay Carson would fulfill the role he came to earth to fulfill. You know those moments when an idea suddenly becomes very clear and there is a distinct clarity and light about it? This was one of those moments. I felt a huge burden lifted off of me as I felt that I was just as I should be, sexual orientation and all. I felt that this attribute of my life would shape me and lead me to perform tasks that I otherwise would not be able to perform. I began to love the gay Carson and not just some imaginary straight Carson. For the first time, I felt an inner congruence, as though a battle were no longer raging inside of myself. With the idea that I didn't need to change sexual orientation to be close to God, naturally came a mend in the great division that I had felt between us. I no longer felt at odds with him and felt more hope at the life that was left before me. 

Along with gaining a more positive perspective of God, I was also spending time reasoning with myself, realizing that being gay says nothing of my character (duh, right? Not sure why it took me so long to internalize all of this). There is nothing about being gay that makes me lesser, weaker, less capable, etc. If anything, I contribute some of my greatest strengths to the experiences I have had because I am gay. I am more compassionate and empathetic to those who don't fit in, I am more resilient to life's challenges, and I have considered life more deeply and sensitively than ever before. And, because I journaled my feelings extensively through it all, I like to think I'm a better writer. ;)

So, rather than living life wondering if I can stand another minute inside my own skin, I spend my energy making important life choices, including ones dealing with sexual orientation. I already have enough to deal with without trying to navigate this world hating myself every step of the way for something that is neither good nor bad... but something that just is. My experiences have been painful, but that pain motivates me to seek out others who suffer in similar ways. Whenever I'm talking with an LGBT man or woman who is recently coming to terms with their sexuality, I can almost always assume that they feel shame towards what they are going through, which breaks my heart. The first thing I try to convince them of is their worth, how it is completely unattached to their sexuality, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of.

I understand that these are my own personal experiences, and that others have come to different conclusions on some of these matters. Some may even question where all these ideas or feelings came from, and to be honest, I sometimes ask myself if I was just telling myself what I wanted to hear (which I really don't believe to be the case). But one thing is absolutely irrefutable. The moment I affirmed that I did not need to be heterosexual, and that I was whole as I was, I stepped out of darkness and into light. I felt closer to God and felt his spirit more in my life. I ceased to envy the dead and believed I had a purpose and a reason to live. I felt peace and happiness. I felt the fruit of the spirit. This is my experience and to say otherwise would be a lie. 

I also understand how it would seem that such an affirming attitude might lead one to act or behave in a certain way. I think that this is another reason I resisted loving myself as I was. I feared that if I did, I would lose control of my ability to make wise choices regarding my sexuality, and worried that I would slip down the slippery slope. To be perfectly honest, I experienced the opposite. My mind was clear, and I felt like I could make wise, less impulsive decisions regarding my future. For most of us, strong negative feelings like fear and hate cloud objective judgement. I'm grateful to say that I have been very deliberate about any and all decisions regarding my sexual orientation, and I contribute much of that to the process above.

Of course, this healing process didn't happen over night. It certainly wasn't a sudden fix, but shameful moments became far less frequent. I did have to (and continue to) deal with social stigma and other things that can cause embarrassment and shame, but at least Carson is okay with Carson. I'm now completely comfortable in my own skin (minus the broken neck part, ha), and while it's not always the most convenient thing to be gay and Mormon, I certainly don't hate myself for it. I'm at peace and I am grateful to say that.

It took courage for me to look into the mirror and learn to love the man that looked back, which is certainly an issue that we all have to deal with, regardless of sexual orientation. It took guts to ask questions, and consider new perspectives. It was difficult and uncomfortable at the time, but the result was far worth the pain. For me, little has contributed to my happiness as much as the process above has. Both my sexual orientation and an SCI have challenged my strength to love myself, but I continue to make progress where I think progress can no longer be made. I look forward to an even greater sense of confidence as I go through life seeking for answers and solutions to life's problems... and I'm actually starting to believe that I will find them along the way.