Coming out is something that actually happens in stages. Growing
up, I remember so many times going to visit the closet to peek in and see if I
was still gay, not ready to accept the full reality. Then, I decided to tell my
parents, closest friends and family, etc., until now accepting my sexual
orientation no longer carries with it any angst. It is a process that continues
today, one that is hard, but so worth it. I’m protective of that “aligned” feeling,
having lived without it for so long. Living a life that is congruent with my
feelings has brought the deepest sense of inner peace. I feel aligned inside,
and it’s a beautiful, important feeling. Today I want to come out just a li'l
bit more.
Lately, I’ve felt the need to work on the courage part of my
authentic living, and at the moment that looks like a blog post. I have received
many messages from individuals who are curious about the current course of my
own life, and the road I am personally on in regards to my own faith and
orientation (since I haven’t really addressed that in this blog).
To be totally honest, because many readers here are of
traditional Christian faith, LDS, or politically conservative, I’ve been
concerned about just letting myself be seen in a totally transparent way. Being
gay and Christian is an emotionally and politically charged topic, and everyone
has a strong opinion about it.
I decided I had a few options regarding my conflict about
wanting to be more transparent. One option was to disconnect, avoid addressing the
life experiences that might make others uncomfortable… and the other riskier
option was to allow the reader the opportunity to walk with me, accompany me,
and learn with me as I risked feeling judged or misunderstood. I choose the
riskier of the two. Following me on this journey may seem less comfortable than
following me on my journey with paralysis. You may disagree with what I write,
or the decisions I make. I understand if that is the case. But you are
nonetheless invited, and I do hope you stay.
I’ve known my whole life that what I wanted most was to
share everything I had with another person that I love. I’m a person that thrives on connection,
affection and love. I think we all do, it’s how we are hardwired. Growing up, I
remember being most aware of my sexual orientation when I felt connected
emotionally, spiritually or in some other personal way to one of my male
friends. I felt a deep sense of investment in the friendship and felt that I
would do almost anything to help him, or prove my loyalty to him. For others,
it is physical attraction that seems to bring the most powerful awareness of
their orientation to the surface, and while that physical attraction is also
present in my case, it is the emotional connection that I could make with men,
and never women, that was most poignant.
Despite this need and desire to connect with men, most of my
life was spent crushing these impulses and dreams (I’ve written about this). As
I came out and started to slowly confront each feeling, one at a time, it
became clear that what I wanted most deeply was companionship with a man. The
question was, what would I do? Over the course of a year of the deepest
introspection, prayer, and seeking, it became clear on every level, including a
spiritual one, that I should pursue the desire of my heart… companionship with
a man. And because of my values, I believed (and still believe) that the best
way for me to uphold that commitment was through marriage.
I have approached every decision in this aspect of life
(being gay) with incredible deliberation; nothing has been done thoughtlessly
or impulsively. I understand all of the rhetoric behind why this decision could
be wrong by traditional faith-based standards, but it is exactly the spiritual
that has led me to the decisions I have come to. As much as I have known
anything spiritually, I’ve known that this is what I should do.
When I began this blog, I think my hope was to bring to
worlds closer together. It’s been difficult to see that, for the most part, the
opposite has seemed to occur. It’s been interesting to have been in the middle
of decision making on this LGBTQ front while both the U.S. and the LDS church were
doing the same, but in different directions. The United States recently made
changes allowing same-sex couples to wed in all 50 states, and the LDS church
recently came out with a policy directed specifically at same-sex married
couples, requiring membership restrictions of them and their children. Talk
about dissonance. I’ve felt safer and more endangered simultaneously as I’ve
tried to process both. Celebration and mourning, acceptance and feelings of
betrayal… I know I’m not the only one that has felt this dissonance.
These feelings of conflict have continued to contribute to a
sense of displacement, feeling like neither a citizen nor stranger, but
something tortuously in-between. Regardless of the conflict, however, I feel a
deep sense of confidence on my personal path because of the experiences that I
have had. I also feel peace and hope at the thought of securing for myself
connection and belonging with a man. My endeavors have changed slightly from
finding some safe space to creating a
safe space, one that is world of its own, full of individuals who have earned
my trust, individuals with whom I share a deep, safe connection. I want to
create that space for others as well.
I write what I do because I feel there is still an enormous
need for conversation surrounding this topic, especially in the community in
which I live. I remember being a scared, ashamed young man who wondered if
death would be preferable to the shame he experienced. It will forever be my
goal to make the world safer than I found it, and more tolerant and more loving
than when I came into it. No LGBTQ person need ever wonder if they are worthy of
love. We are all worthy of love.
I will do my utmost to make this blog a continued safe place
for those who are unfamiliar with, but still seeking greater understanding of
LGBTQ issues, and hope to demystify some aspects of the LGBTQ experience. I
continue to learn and grow as I walk down this path, and looking forward to
continued light and happiness as I attempt to do so thoughtfully and
prayerfully.