It was Senior Cotillion, 2009, a farewell dance to seniors as they entered the new and scary post-high school world. I was enjoying an evening of dancing and music with my high school friends one final time. About halfway through the night, the party stopped for a moment as the "Most Likely To..." awards were given. Amidst the awards I suddenly heard, "Carson Tueller, most likely to become... A PROPHET!" Everyone laughed hard and cheered and I was both embarrassed and pleased.
I was known for being highly religious in high school, and I'm sure it came from the fact that I defined myself in a very one-dimensional, religious way. Though I was engaged in a variety of activities (swimming, playing the flute, learning to tie animal balloons), I placed my value mostly in the spiritual category and was rewarded for it. I imagine that my highly religious life came from both an organic desire to live that way, as well as a way to compensate for the shame of being gay. Whatever the reasons were, I was rewarded socially for my actions. It was how those I respected wanted to see me act, and I was praised for it. Feeling valued, I continued to nurture those behaviors.
As I courageously confronted my sexual orientation, I realized that I no longer fit the mold of one who was most likely to become a prophet. My one-dimensional defining had lost its utility. I felt lost and no longer knew who I was or what I was worth. The ways in which I defined and valued myself were limited, and because of that, my transition into a new identity was very difficult.
As I began to consider other parts of myself that were worthwhile and simultaneously sought a sense of community in additional places, I began to realize that in leaving one rigid mold I was simply expected to take on another in its place. It seems as though everywhere we go, no matter the group we belong to, we are required to behave in certain ways to earn the badge that has written on it, "I belong here". The irony here is that we actually sacrifice our ability to feel authentically validated when we alter ourselves to fit the unforgiving expectations of others.
The impetus of this post was a conversation I recently had with someone who seemed interested in defining me in a one-dimensional way. I left the conversation feeling as though I had nothing to offer as an individual because I didn't meet the criteria for "valuable" by their definition. I was angry and bothered.
I went to the gym to blow off some steam and replayed the conversation over and over in my head, wondering why I was so uptight about the experience. I suddenly realized that what I was feeling was exhaustion. The constant effort to conform to the expectations of others in order to gain cheap acceptance is exhausting. It seems like my quest over the last few years has been to find a place and people to call my own. I've been searching for a system, people or individuals who have the flexibility and courage to allow all of my life experiences to sit together in the same room.
I am many things, but one thing I am not is one-dimensional. None of us are. Like anyone reading this blog, I am a complex web of experiences and feelings, each defining me in a small way, ultimately contributing to the much greater picture that is me. Whenever I have tried to select only one small piece of my life and magnify just that piece while stifling or ignoring all others, my growth is restricted, my potential becomes finite, and there is usually some form of suffering as a result. I have only begun developing and blossoming when I have embraced the fact that I am multi-faceted... all the difficult, messy, and beautiful parts included.
I found that my tendency to create a one-dimensional being has come almost exclusively from the desire to please a system or people. I alter myself and hamper my authenticity to ensure that I have a place to fit into. We all do this, we all want to be liked. It seems that the world has become club-ified. There is a club for being LGBT, a club being a mom, a club for being Christian, for going to a certain school, for dressing a certain way, for having a certain body type, and the list goes on and on. The only problem is that we are all so unique that there really isn't any one place where we can find others just like us, so we just pretend to be the same... and it's an exhausting way to live. Doesn't finding a place where we have the blessing of being unconditionally regarded as valuable sound beautiful? Where we can truly comes are we are?
Finding even just one person who allows a space for authentic experience can seem like finding a needle in a haystack. Through life, I have been blessed to have some friends and family who have learned along with me that providing a space for authentic living is equal to providing a space to deeper connection, healing, and love. At times, my safe places or people have been reduced down to just one or two, and that's all I needed. It just takes one.
Because my journey through life has pulled my out in and out of so many different "clubs", I value authenticity more than almost any other concept I can think of. The longer I live, the more deeply dedicated I am to providing a space for others where they can feel unconditionally regarded as the valuable mosaic-like human beings they are.
