I have written a total of eight posts (well, nine now) on this blog. That's very few compared to the one hundred and eight on my SCI blog. I notice that each time I go to write about something regarding my sexual orientation, I freeze. And do you know what freezes me? Shame. And fear. Fear of disconnection from those who now love and support me, from the many readers of my blogs. It's fear of rejection from family and friends. I fear that I may be judged harshly for what I believe, think or feel... and these fears keep me from authentically writing about my experiences.
Shame is the fear or feeling that we are flawed to a degree that makes us unacceptable of love or belonging. We all desire and need to belong, it is part of being human. That's why shame is such a debilitating and powerful emotion, it plays off of our deep need to connect to others. Shame tells us that we are inherently unworthy of such connection... Well friends, this is at the heart of the fears that I (and many others) have about being LGBT, and while shame amongst LGBT people is not only found in religious settings, it seems to be more intense for those whose religion regards deviations in sexual orientation or gender as flaws. I am often aware that others close to me may see me as being flawed, and the fear that I might not be acceptable is strong motivation for me to make modifications to ensure I'm exactly the person they want me to be. But I sell myself short in the end.
In my quest to belong, I create a Carson that is acceptable to others so that I can fit in. I say what is pleasing to others and try not to rock the boat (too much) so I don't feel like an outsider. However, I have recently started to see that as I alter my behavior, thoughts, and feelings only to please others, that I ultimately create an impossible situation for me to actually experience belonging. True belonging requires authenticity. Fitting in does not. What I need to feel is loved, as I am, not just as others desire me to be. When I don't practice authenticity, I don't allow others the opportunity to love me as I actually am, and I rob myself of the opportunity to be loved in an authentic space.
In general, I actually try to fight the temptation to modify my personality to be liked, and I try to be transparent in how I feel. I don't like to sugarcoat the feelings and experiences I have had in life. In fact, this is what people say they appreciate most about what I write. I just have some more work to do.
Some of the deepest joy I've experienced in life has come from those moments of authentic belonging. They are moments when how I behave and present myself is consistent with who I feel I am on the inside. It's a moment of pure consistency and is coupled with the sense of feeling valued as that person. This sounds like an experience that should be easy to come by, but if we take a look at how we constantly modify who we are to fit in, we may find that said consistency eludes us more often than not.
I am at a point in my life where I want that uniformity to be a part of my everyday life. I want to feel the synergy of mind, spirit and body. For me, this also includes a consistency of what I feel God desires for my life. I believe that if I want to experience the depth of love and understanding of life that I desire, that this is a necessary step. I have put off this step for the reasons I've explained and for some reason today was the day to practice a little more courage that I usually do. In a deep discussion with a friend yesterday I was asked, "Who do you want to be?" I told him that I could only describe some of the qualities I want to posses. One of those things is courage. The greatest courage I have ever demonstrated has been to fight for that consistency of self, especially when doing so is unpopular or uncomfortable for others. I also believe that practicing courage and authenticity are contagious acts. I know that when others practice such qualities, that I sense goodness and wholeness, and want to do the same. In a culture that so rewards fitting in, we would all benefit from seeing more courageous expressions than we do.
You can rest assured that I won't be going around spouting my opinion over social media every five minutes. I expect and hope that I will write more often about what I feel even when I don't know how my ideas will be taken. Even when I feel afraid. I can sense that I will have to revisit this process many times, but I hope that doing so will eventually turn into a habit of living. I want to thank all who have empathized with me through my journey, even when you haven't known me personally, or haven't experience what I have themselves. I want to thank all who have made me feel like I belong, and that I am loved as I am. It is the kind of love that can heal any injury.
p.s. Many of my realizations have come from reading several books about shame, authenticity, and empathy. I recommend "The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World", as well as any of Brene Brown's books, they have been life-changing for me.
