These are my personal experiences dealing with the reconciliation of my Christian faith (LDS/Mormon) and sexual orientation (gay). These posts have no political agenda. My sole purpose in writing is to engender understanding and love, and to bring together two worlds that sometimes seem mutually exclusive.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Choosing Courage, Revisiting Shame

Among the first posts I ever made on this particular blog was a post called "Defeating My Shame". I wrote about shame early in the blog because when it comes to being LGBT, shame plays a big role. I was under the impression that shame was something I could conquer in one big effort, and I have realized over the last few years that this is not the case at all. It's an ongoing battle... Which is why I'm revisiting my shame here. Today I am choosing to be vulnerable by practicing courage and authenticity.

I have written a total of eight posts (well, nine now) on this blog. That's very few compared to the one hundred and eight on my SCI blog. I notice that each time I go to write about something regarding my sexual orientation, I freeze. And do you know what freezes me? Shame. And fear. Fear of disconnection from those who now love and support me, from the many readers of my blogs. It's fear of rejection from family and friends. I fear that I may be judged harshly for what I believe, think or feel... and these fears keep me from authentically writing about my experiences.

Shame is the fear or feeling that we are flawed to a degree that makes us unacceptable of love or belonging. We all desire and need to belong, it is part of being human. That's why shame is such a debilitating and powerful emotion, it plays off of our deep need to connect to others. Shame tells us that we are inherently unworthy of such connection... Well friends, this is at the heart of the fears that I (and many others) have about being LGBT, and while shame amongst LGBT people is not only found in religious settings, it seems to be more intense for those whose religion regards deviations in sexual orientation or gender as flaws. I am often aware that others close to me may see me as being flawed, and the fear that I might not be acceptable is strong motivation for me to make modifications to ensure I'm exactly the person they want me to be. But I sell myself short in the end.

In my quest to belong, I create a Carson that is acceptable to others so that I can fit in. I say what is pleasing to others and try not to rock the boat (too much) so I don't feel like an outsider. However, I have recently started to see that as I alter my behavior, thoughts, and feelings only to please others, that I ultimately create an impossible situation for me to actually experience belonging. True belonging requires authenticity. Fitting in does not. What I need to feel is loved, as I am, not just as others desire me to be. When I don't practice authenticity, I don't allow others the opportunity to love me as I actually am, and I rob myself of the opportunity to be loved in an authentic space. 

In general, I actually try to fight the temptation to modify my personality to be liked, and I try to be transparent in how I feel. I don't like to sugarcoat the feelings and experiences I have had in life. In fact, this is what people say they appreciate most about what I write. I just have some more work to do.

Some of the deepest joy I've experienced in life has come from those moments of authentic belonging. They are moments when how I behave and present myself is consistent with who I feel I am on the inside. It's a moment of pure consistency and is coupled with the sense of feeling valued as that person. This sounds like an experience that should be easy to come by, but if we take a look at how we constantly modify who we are to fit in, we may find that said consistency eludes us more often than not. 

I am at a point in my life where I want that uniformity to be a part of my everyday life. I want to feel the synergy of mind, spirit and body. For me, this also includes a consistency of what I feel God desires for my life. I believe that if I want to experience the depth of love and understanding of life that I desire, that this is a necessary step. I have put off this step for the reasons I've explained and for some reason today was the day to practice a little more courage that I usually do. In a deep discussion with a friend yesterday I was asked, "Who do you want to be?" I told him that I could only describe some of the qualities I want to posses. One of those things is courage. The greatest courage I have ever demonstrated has been to fight for that consistency of self, especially when doing so is unpopular or uncomfortable for others. I also believe that practicing courage and authenticity are contagious acts. I know that when others practice such qualities, that I sense goodness and wholeness, and want to do the same. In a culture that so rewards fitting in, we would all benefit from seeing more courageous expressions than we do.

You can rest assured that I won't be going around spouting my opinion over social media every five minutes. I expect and hope that I will write more often about what I feel even when I don't know how my ideas will be taken. Even when I feel afraid. I can sense that I will have to revisit this process many times, but I hope that doing so will eventually turn into a habit of living. I want to thank all who have empathized with me through my journey, even when you haven't known me personally, or haven't experience what I have themselves. I want to thank all who have made me feel like I belong, and that I am loved as I am. It is the kind of love that can heal any injury.

p.s. Many of my realizations have come from reading several books about shame, authenticity, and empathy. I recommend "The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World", as well as any of Brene Brown's books, they have been life-changing for me. 




3 comments:

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  2. I am very sorry for your struggle. I believe one of the hardest challenges in this life is to be gay and have a testimony of the gospel. It's not a sin to be gay, nor is it a sin to be tempted--our own Savior was tempted. There's no shame in being gay. God allowed you to be that way and it's not like it's something you can just "get over". I'm straight and I'm a member of your religion and I hope you stick to your testimony and virtue. Yours is a hard row to hoe but you can do it.

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  3. I loved this line... "What I need to feel is loved, as I am, not just as others desire me to be". That is such a universal truth that every heart knows and ultimately craves; unconditional love.

    I also feel that there is an aspect even deeper to that line about the desire to feel connected. What's hard is that often times when members try to connect with someone that is LGBT, the connect seems to be over "The Struggle" and I understand that is likely the only safe place where Mormons feel they can safely hold onto the rod with one hand while reaching into the "mist" to comfort those "struggling". Frankly I'm grateful I've seen people, individuals, humans make that stride and am grateful for any crumbs of empathy.

    But what if people could ponder on the great side of being gay and LDS? Ultimately it's just applying empathy and you're not saying I condone or agree. It's stepping inside another's shoes to see the beauty in their world. For anyone who has ever served a mission, wasn't the greatest skill acquired to love and truly understand the people we taught?

    I imagine the day when Carson can talk about how in love he is with his partner and how they share such similar values, and LDS friends can connect with their own experience. "It's so nice just waking up together [. . .] or as you two get older I'm sure you'll fall even more madly in love, [. . .] or make a joke "so who do you think will be the advocate of putting down the toilet seat?" Just relate and be natural.

    Even in the greatest moments I can see people's own fears of the unknown manifesting in these moments because they can't "imagine" how the everything works in LGBT relationships. The same things said to a newly wed couple about relationships and advice STILL apply.

    Sorry for the rant Carse. I'm genuinely proud of you and hope that you know I can't wait to meet your future husband and see both of your Faith's flourish in the gospel; it's possible and you of all people have shown me that.

    Keep writing they are beautiful and inspiring thoughts.

    Xxoo

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