When I started this blog, I spent a lot of time thinking about the title. In fact, it was one of the aspects of creating this blog that took the most time. I wanted the title to capture the essence of what I sought to express. As I have looked over my past, reviewed my journals, and reflected on the general feeling of what it's like to be an LGBT member of the church, there is one word. The word is "conflict". For many like me, reconciling faith and sexual orientation has been a battle. It's a conflict between two of the most motivating aspects of our lives.
So with the word "conflict" in mind, I decided to find a title that would express that. When Worlds Collide seemed to fit best as both sides of the conflict are legitimate and enormous. There are many conflicts that I might write about in the future, but I want to start with the core of the conflict. What I intend to do in this post is to describe the details of this inner battle through the eyes of my own experience, and with the help of a journal entry from February, 2013. I have chosen to be transparent about many aspects of my life and recognize that there is a risk associated with that choice. There are many posts that have made me vulnerable, but this entry might take the cake. Proceed with sensitivity.
As I began to come to terms with being gay, I realized that I had developed some misconceptions throughout my life when it came to what I thought about gay people. I grew up in a home where I was taught to be kind and respect others, and when it came to LGBT issues, that's as much as I learned. I had the idea that gay people were attracted to people of the same sex and it was as simple as that. But, as I began to mature throughout junior high and high school I realized that such was not the case.
During junior high I began to recognize strong feelings of attraction towards other guys. I discussed it very timidly perhaps one time with my mom and that was it. I began a ten year attempt at stifling, avoiding, fighting and even changing my feelings of same-sex attraction. I did everything within my power to change my feelings because I feared what they would mean for my future. I believed that my attraction to men had everything to do with physical attraction, so I became an expert in self control and did anything to avoid situations or places where I might be confronted with an uncomfortable situation.
I continued with these attempts throughout high school. I prayed, fasted, set goals, and immersed myself in anything that would distract me from what I was feeling. Inevitably, I always realized that nothing had changed except my ability to control who I looked at. I was still absolutely, unquestionably attracted to men. I assumed that being gay only implied this physical attraction, so that's all I was aware of in my efforts to change.
In the last few years of my high school experience I began to make close guy friends. I enjoyed hanging out and doing all the normal high school stuff. However, I began to experience something that confused me. I was involuntarily forming strong emotional bonds with my guy friends... only it seemed to be a one way bond. It is normal in any friendship to have mutual interest, but I recognized that my male friends were not feeling what I was feeling for them. I remember feeling so much disappointment at the way our friendships turned out. It was always clear that I wanted to spend more time, connect at deeper levels and be generally closer. I distinctly remember going into my bedroom and sobbing at the whole dilemma, wondering what on earth was wrong with me. Why did I care so much about these guys? Why did I think about them all the time and get excited about a text or a phone call? Why was I so different than they were?
After high school and as I worked through things, I wrote down my feelings as a way of clarifying my thoughts, which helped immensely. I had one epiphany that trumped all the others and helped me identify why I felt so much emotional pain. I realized that being gay wasn't all about sexual intimacy. I wasn't crying in my bedroom night after night because I wasn't fulfilled physically, it was because I was longing for and lacking emotional connection and didn't know why. Here is an excerpt from my journal as I looked back on high school experiences.
"As I have had the occasional moment to express my feelings to a listening ear, I have identified several things [regarding my attraction to men] that have been hid away... Recently, as I have reviewed my [past] relationships with men... I have recognized my deep feelings of care and emotion for them. This is not raw sexuality, but issues of wanting to belong, feel cared for and loved by someone that I have... desired to be with. Through my teenage years and to the current date, I recognize my... feelings for other (some, of course not all) male friends I had and [realize] I consistently felt acute disappointment at how these relationships turned out. I was always denied the connection that I longed for. The longing to feel needed, to feel supported, and to feel wanted, and most deeply, to feel loved... Emptiness, inevitable emptiness always follows. Never fulfillment. No friendship alone would be enough to fill my well of sentiment. It’s more than friendship that I long for… Perhaps following a path toward a same-sex relationship would fill that well. In fact, I believe that it would, and for a person who feels as much as I do, what a relief that would be… to feel whole for once in my life."
In that entry, I was trying to describe my realization that being gay went far deeper than who I thought was attractive. It had everything to do with all those feelings I described. Emotional closeness, connection, belonging, feeling wanted, etc. I realized that for me, this had more to do with emotional intimacy and less to do with physical intimacy, which made things far more complicated. Sure, I could survive without physical intimacy I suppose, but could I survive without meaningful companionship for my whole life? I used to think this was all about lust and self-control or something, but it's so much more than that. It is about the deepest longings that human beings posses. It truly has to do with love, and therein lies the conflict. For me, the conflict is feeling that what I need and desire most, what I feel would be best for my life and future, is at odds with what I believe.
For me, much of the conflict was found in my desire to have a traditional family (which is central to our belief in God's plan), but knew that I would probably never fall in love with a woman, which for me was requisite in building a family. I remember feeling terribly stuck, and even felt at times that I was created contrary to God's Plan of Happiness. All I wanted was to do God's will, but felt incapable of doing it authentically. And not only was there a dearth of pull towards women, but there was an abundance of desire to continue to connect with men. I felt confused since I felt like I should want to like women, but struggled to even want to, since my attraction to men felt not only natural, but good, healthy, and wholesome.
The realization that sexual orientation is immensely deep and includes many feelings that transcend arousal is one of the greatest that I've had since reconciling my feelings. It is the one thing that I wish I could tell anyone who expresses any desire to learn more about their LGBT friends or family members. It is easy to navigate this issue mentally or spiritually if you believe that this is simply an issue of lust or sex, which is not the case. I believe that understanding the depth of these feelings helps breed greater empathy toward LGBT members of the church.
I want to express to any LGBT members who are currently going through this, that there are answers available when it may seem like there are none. There are roads to happiness. It is my experience that God is aware of this plight and that he will lead us down personal paths if we have the courage to follow him, wherever he may take us. In the past I have felt angry with God and thought of him as a mean parent. He is not a mean parent, not if we believe he is who he says he is. I believe that as we intend to do his will and do our best and follow inspiration for our personal lives, that answers will present themselves that will lead to our happiness.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Friday, January 9, 2015
Why I Write
"What if I'm gay?"
I heard myself silently voice this fear countless times after returning home from serving a two year LDS mission, each time with a renewal of panic and anxiety. I had been home from my mission for about six months and I was trying to carry out my life plan. The plan was to grow up, go on a mission, come home and date a bit, find and marry the woman of my dreams (though I never dreamt of women for some reason) and live happily ever after... As I moved towards these goals, I found myself incapable of asking even a single girl out on a date, and I was simply unwilling to face the reason.
Deep down, I knew that I was attracted to men and I knew that I was not attracted to women, but I was so far in denial that I kept myself from accepting that fact. Previous to my mission, there were many times when my feelings were far too evident to deny, so I would immerse myself in a spiritual self-improvement program to try and change what I was feeling. My efforts were initially helpful in controlling certain aspects of my feelings, but never truly. The truth of my undeniable same-sex attraction always came back to hit me in the face. When this happened in junior high or high school, I always had my mission to distract me or look forward to, since marriage was still an ethereal concept that I didn't have to address yet. Now that I was home, it was time for the rubber to meet the road relationship wise and there were no more excuses.
Denial is a powerful thing and my fear of being gay was so powerful that it kept me from ever confronting the truth. At the time, I felt that nothing could be worse for me than being gay would be. Like I said before, I had planned my life out in a very specific way since I was just a little tyke in Sunday school. In my mind being gay would throw a wrench into all my plans... plans that were core to my existence, plans that had been thought about and prepared for over the course of two decades. So naturally, it was easier to pretend and deny what I felt so as not to face the truth, because the truth would be too painful to bear.
In early December, 2012 a few small events brought me to finally take an honest look in the mirror at the real Carson. Not just some imaginary straight Carson I wanted to be, but for who I really was and what I really felt. On that day, I started one of the most difficult journeys of my life. It was the journey out of denial and into reality, a reality that scared me to death. A reality that would challenge so many things that I thought I knew, and would ultimately force me down a path of decision. I didn't want to find answers for myself, I wanted to fit the cookie cutter, fit the LDS-returned-missionary mold, follow a predetermined course. While my path would often seem paved with nails or broken glass, I learned that such paths made me more resilient and taught me some of life's greatest lessons.
My worlds were colliding, and thus began a process that would teach me more about life, people, and the gospel of Jesus Christ than I would have ever known... and above all it would teach me about myself. This process has taken a great amount of time, and has consumed my thoughts and energies since the moment I began it. The posts following this first one will be a description of the experiences I had coming out to myself, family, and community as well as the important lessons I learned along the way. Lessons not just about what being a gay Mormon means, but lessons about life. Lessons about love.
I have been wanting to blog these experiences for many, many months but have not had the courage to do so. Certain current events have motivated me to share my thoughts in a more public forum. I do not claim to be an expert or an authority on this subject, but I do have experiences and I believe that alone gives me enough reason to share my feelings. I have also been concerned about pleasing many difference parties that may run into this blog. I am certain that some will disagree with what I say, or the terminology I use, but to be honest, I decided that starting this blog wouldn't be about me. It would be about bringing together two worlds that seem at odds with each other. I've had hundreds of messages over time from both LGBT and straight individuals asking questions and opinions about my experiences. Regardless of our sexual orientation, all of us will encounter discussions, arguments (hopefully not too many), political debates, etc. on topics surrounding LGBT issues. Knowledge and understanding give us the ability to love and empathize with one another. They allow us to be more Christlike in our associations. I watched my family as well as myself transform as we talked and learned together as I included them in my experiences. If nothing else, I at least want to make my experiences readily available to others who are seeking more understanding.
In the early stages of my personal acceptance, I considered keeping my experiences to myself and considered staying "in the closet"... but there was one thing in particular that compelled me to be open. I personally knew the struggle of living in fear, and living in a place where I felt I would never belong if I were gay and open about it. As I tried to reconcile my own feelings, I longed for role models, individuals who were doing or had done what I was seeking to do, that is, reconcile faith and homosexual attraction. I personally knew no one who could do that for me. What compelled me was the thought that, were I to remain silent, other LGBT individuals would inevitably have to face the same challenge that I did. I could not in good conscience remain silent. I refused to be that person, and committed to blazing a trial, even a small one, toward greater openness and communication. I am passionate about this subject and have entirely pure motives in creating this blog. I pray that another, even just one other, may benefit from something found herein.
I heard myself silently voice this fear countless times after returning home from serving a two year LDS mission, each time with a renewal of panic and anxiety. I had been home from my mission for about six months and I was trying to carry out my life plan. The plan was to grow up, go on a mission, come home and date a bit, find and marry the woman of my dreams (though I never dreamt of women for some reason) and live happily ever after... As I moved towards these goals, I found myself incapable of asking even a single girl out on a date, and I was simply unwilling to face the reason.
Deep down, I knew that I was attracted to men and I knew that I was not attracted to women, but I was so far in denial that I kept myself from accepting that fact. Previous to my mission, there were many times when my feelings were far too evident to deny, so I would immerse myself in a spiritual self-improvement program to try and change what I was feeling. My efforts were initially helpful in controlling certain aspects of my feelings, but never truly. The truth of my undeniable same-sex attraction always came back to hit me in the face. When this happened in junior high or high school, I always had my mission to distract me or look forward to, since marriage was still an ethereal concept that I didn't have to address yet. Now that I was home, it was time for the rubber to meet the road relationship wise and there were no more excuses.
Denial is a powerful thing and my fear of being gay was so powerful that it kept me from ever confronting the truth. At the time, I felt that nothing could be worse for me than being gay would be. Like I said before, I had planned my life out in a very specific way since I was just a little tyke in Sunday school. In my mind being gay would throw a wrench into all my plans... plans that were core to my existence, plans that had been thought about and prepared for over the course of two decades. So naturally, it was easier to pretend and deny what I felt so as not to face the truth, because the truth would be too painful to bear.
In early December, 2012 a few small events brought me to finally take an honest look in the mirror at the real Carson. Not just some imaginary straight Carson I wanted to be, but for who I really was and what I really felt. On that day, I started one of the most difficult journeys of my life. It was the journey out of denial and into reality, a reality that scared me to death. A reality that would challenge so many things that I thought I knew, and would ultimately force me down a path of decision. I didn't want to find answers for myself, I wanted to fit the cookie cutter, fit the LDS-returned-missionary mold, follow a predetermined course. While my path would often seem paved with nails or broken glass, I learned that such paths made me more resilient and taught me some of life's greatest lessons.
My worlds were colliding, and thus began a process that would teach me more about life, people, and the gospel of Jesus Christ than I would have ever known... and above all it would teach me about myself. This process has taken a great amount of time, and has consumed my thoughts and energies since the moment I began it. The posts following this first one will be a description of the experiences I had coming out to myself, family, and community as well as the important lessons I learned along the way. Lessons not just about what being a gay Mormon means, but lessons about life. Lessons about love.
I have been wanting to blog these experiences for many, many months but have not had the courage to do so. Certain current events have motivated me to share my thoughts in a more public forum. I do not claim to be an expert or an authority on this subject, but I do have experiences and I believe that alone gives me enough reason to share my feelings. I have also been concerned about pleasing many difference parties that may run into this blog. I am certain that some will disagree with what I say, or the terminology I use, but to be honest, I decided that starting this blog wouldn't be about me. It would be about bringing together two worlds that seem at odds with each other. I've had hundreds of messages over time from both LGBT and straight individuals asking questions and opinions about my experiences. Regardless of our sexual orientation, all of us will encounter discussions, arguments (hopefully not too many), political debates, etc. on topics surrounding LGBT issues. Knowledge and understanding give us the ability to love and empathize with one another. They allow us to be more Christlike in our associations. I watched my family as well as myself transform as we talked and learned together as I included them in my experiences. If nothing else, I at least want to make my experiences readily available to others who are seeking more understanding.
In the early stages of my personal acceptance, I considered keeping my experiences to myself and considered staying "in the closet"... but there was one thing in particular that compelled me to be open. I personally knew the struggle of living in fear, and living in a place where I felt I would never belong if I were gay and open about it. As I tried to reconcile my own feelings, I longed for role models, individuals who were doing or had done what I was seeking to do, that is, reconcile faith and homosexual attraction. I personally knew no one who could do that for me. What compelled me was the thought that, were I to remain silent, other LGBT individuals would inevitably have to face the same challenge that I did. I could not in good conscience remain silent. I refused to be that person, and committed to blazing a trial, even a small one, toward greater openness and communication. I am passionate about this subject and have entirely pure motives in creating this blog. I pray that another, even just one other, may benefit from something found herein.
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