Why I Write

"What if I'm gay?"

I heard myself silently voice this fear countless times after returning home from serving a two year LDS mission, each time with a renewal of panic and anxiety. I had been home from my mission for about six months and I was trying to carry out my life plan. The plan was to grow up, go on a mission, come home and date a bit, find and marry the woman of my dreams (though I never dreamt of women for some reason) and live happily ever after... As I moved towards these goals, I found myself incapable of asking even a single girl out on a date, and I was simply unwilling to face the reason.

Deep down, I knew that I was attracted to men and I knew that I was not attracted to women, but I was so far in denial that I kept myself from accepting that fact. Previous to my mission, there were many times when my feelings were far too evident to deny, so I would immerse myself in a spiritual self-improvement program to try and change what I was feeling. My efforts were initially helpful in controlling certain aspects of my feelings, but never truly. The truth of my undeniable same-sex attraction always came back to hit me in the face. When this happened in junior high or high school, I always had my mission to distract me or look forward to, since marriage was still an ethereal concept that I didn't have to address yet. Now that I was home, it was time for the rubber to meet the road relationship wise and there were no more excuses.

Denial is a powerful thing and my fear of being gay was so powerful that it kept me from ever confronting the truth. At the time, I felt that nothing could be worse for me than being gay would be. Like I said before, I had planned my life out in a very specific way since I was just a little tyke in Sunday school. In my mind being gay would throw a wrench into all my plans... plans that were core to my existence, plans that had been thought about and prepared for over the course of two decades. So naturally, it was easier to pretend and deny what I felt so as not to face the truth, because the truth would be too painful to bear.

In early December, 2012 a few small events brought me to finally take an honest look in the mirror at the real Carson. Not just some imaginary straight Carson I wanted to be, but for who I really was and what I really felt. On that day, I started one of the most difficult journeys of my life. It was the journey out of denial and into reality, a reality that scared me to death. A reality that would challenge so many things that I thought I knew, and would ultimately force me down a path of decision. I didn't want to find answers for myself, I wanted to fit the cookie cutter, fit the LDS-returned-missionary mold, follow a predetermined course. While my path would often seem paved with nails or broken glass, I learned that such paths made me more resilient and taught me some of life's greatest lessons.

My worlds were colliding, and thus began a process that would teach me more about life, people, and the gospel of Jesus Christ than I would have ever known... and above all it would teach me about myself. This process has taken a great amount of time, and has consumed my thoughts and energies since the moment I began it. The posts following this first one will be a description of the experiences I had coming out to myself, family, and community as well as the important lessons I learned along the way. Lessons not just about what being a gay Mormon means, but lessons about life. Lessons about love.

I have been wanting to blog these experiences for many, many months but have not had the courage to do so. Certain current events have motivated me to share my thoughts in a more public forum. I do not claim to be an expert or an authority on this subject, but I do have experiences and I believe that alone gives me enough reason to share my feelings. I have also been concerned about pleasing many difference parties that may run into this blog. I am certain that some will disagree with what I say, or the terminology I use, but to be honest, I decided that starting this blog wouldn't be about me. It would be about bringing together two worlds that seem at odds with each other. I've had hundreds of messages over time from both LGBT and straight individuals asking questions and opinions about my experiences. Regardless of our sexual orientation, all of us will encounter discussions, arguments (hopefully not too many), political debates, etc. on topics surrounding LGBT issues. Knowledge and understanding give us the ability to love and empathize with one another. They allow us to be more Christlike in our associations. I watched my family as well as myself transform as we talked and learned together as I included them in my experiences. If nothing else, I at least want to make my experiences readily available to others who are seeking more understanding.

In the early stages of my personal acceptance, I considered keeping my experiences to myself and considered staying "in the closet"... but there was one thing in particular that compelled me to be open. I personally knew the struggle of living in fear, and living in a place where I felt I would never belong if I were gay and open about it. As I tried to reconcile my own feelings, I longed for role models, individuals who were doing or had done what I was seeking to do, that is, reconcile faith and homosexual attraction. I personally knew no one who could do that for me. What compelled me was the thought that, were I to remain silent, other LGBT individuals would inevitably have to face the same challenge that I did. I could not in good conscience remain silent. I refused to be that person, and committed to blazing a trial, even a small one, toward greater openness and communication. I am passionate about this subject and have entirely pure motives in creating this blog. I pray that another, even just one other, may benefit from something found herein.