The Core Conflict

When I started this blog, I spent a lot of time thinking about the title. In fact, it was one of the aspects of creating this blog that took the most time. I wanted the title to capture the essence of what I sought to express. As I have looked over my past, reviewed my journals, and reflected on the general feeling of what it's like to be an LGBT member of the church, there is one word. The word is "conflict". For many like me, reconciling faith and sexual orientation has been a battle. It's a conflict between two of the most motivating aspects of our lives.

So with the word "conflict" in mind, I decided to find a title that would express that. When Worlds Collide seemed to fit best as both sides of the conflict are legitimate and enormous. There are many conflicts that I might write about in the future, but I want to start with the core of the conflict. What I intend to do in this post is to describe the details of this inner battle through the eyes of my own experience, and with the help of a journal entry from February, 2013. I have chosen to be transparent about many aspects of my life and recognize that there is a risk associated with that choice. There are many posts that have made me vulnerable, but this entry might take the cake. Proceed with sensitivity.

As I began to come to terms with being gay, I realized that I had developed some misconceptions throughout my life when it came to what I thought about gay people. I grew up in a home where I was taught to be kind and respect others, and when it came to LGBT issues, that's as much as I learned. I had the idea that gay people were attracted to people of the same sex and it was as simple as that. But, as I began to mature throughout junior high and high school I realized that such was not the case.

During junior high I began to recognize strong feelings of attraction towards other guys. I discussed it very timidly perhaps one time with my mom and that was it. I began a ten year attempt at stifling, avoiding, fighting and even changing my feelings of same-sex attraction. I did everything within my power to change my feelings because I feared what they would mean for my future. I believed that my attraction to men had everything to do with physical attraction, so I became an expert in self control and did anything to avoid situations or places where I might be confronted with an uncomfortable situation.

I continued with these attempts throughout high school. I prayed, fasted, set goals, and immersed myself in anything that would distract me from what I was feeling. Inevitably, I always realized that nothing had changed except my ability to control who I looked at. I was still absolutely, unquestionably attracted to men. I assumed that being gay only implied this physical attraction, so that's all I was aware of in my efforts to change.

In the last few years of my high school experience I began to make close guy friends. I enjoyed hanging out and doing all the normal high school stuff. However, I began to experience something that confused me. I was involuntarily forming strong emotional bonds with my guy friends... only it seemed to be a one way bond. It is normal in any friendship to have mutual interest, but I recognized that my male friends were not feeling what I was feeling for them. I remember feeling so much disappointment at the way our friendships turned out. It was always clear that I wanted to spend more time, connect at deeper levels and be generally closer. I distinctly remember going into my bedroom and sobbing at the whole dilemma, wondering what on earth was wrong with me. Why did I care so much about these guys? Why did I think about them all the time and get excited about a text or a phone call? Why was I so different than they were?

After high school and as I worked through things, I wrote down my feelings as a way of clarifying my thoughts, which helped immensely. I had one epiphany that trumped all the others and helped me identify why I felt so much emotional pain. I realized that being gay wasn't all about sexual intimacy. I wasn't crying in my bedroom night after night because I wasn't fulfilled physically, it was because I was longing for and lacking emotional connection and didn't know why. Here is an excerpt from my journal as I looked back on high school experiences.

"As I have had the occasional moment to express my feelings to a listening ear, I have identified several things [regarding my attraction to men] that have been hid away... Recently, as I have reviewed my [past] relationships with men... I have recognized my deep feelings of care and emotion for them. This is not raw sexuality, but issues of wanting to belong, feel cared for and loved by someone that I have... desired to be with. Through my teenage years and to the current date, I recognize my... feelings for other (some, of course not all) male friends I had and [realize] I consistently felt acute disappointment at how these relationships turned out. I was always denied the connection that I longed for. The longing to feel needed, to feel supported, and to feel wanted, and most deeply, to feel loved... Emptiness, inevitable emptiness always follows. Never fulfillment. No friendship alone would be enough to fill my well of sentiment. It’s more than friendship that I long for… Perhaps following a path toward a same-sex relationship would fill that well. In fact, I believe that it would, and for a person who feels as much as I do, what a relief that would be… to feel whole for once in my life."

In that entry, I was trying to describe my realization that being gay went far deeper than who I thought was attractive. It had everything to do with all those feelings I described. Emotional closeness, connection, belonging, feeling wanted, etc. I realized that for me, this had more to do with emotional intimacy and less to do with physical intimacy, which made things far more complicated. Sure, I could survive without physical intimacy I suppose, but could I survive without meaningful companionship for my whole life? I used to think this was all about lust and self-control or something, but it's so much more than that. It is about the deepest longings that human beings posses. It truly has to do with love, and therein lies the conflict. For me, the conflict is feeling that what I need and desire most, what I feel would be best for my life and future, is at odds with what I believe.

For me, much of the conflict was found in my desire to have a traditional family (which is central to our belief in God's plan), but knew that I would probably never fall in love with a woman, which for me was requisite in building a family. I remember feeling terribly stuck, and even felt at times that I was created contrary to God's Plan of Happiness. All I wanted was to do God's will, but felt incapable of doing it authentically. And not only was there a dearth of pull towards women, but there was an abundance of desire to continue to connect with men. I felt confused since I felt like I should want to like women, but struggled to even want to, since my attraction to men felt not only natural, but good, healthy, and wholesome.

The realization that sexual orientation is immensely deep and includes many feelings that transcend arousal is one of the greatest that I've had since reconciling my feelings. It is the one thing that I wish I could tell anyone who expresses any desire to learn more about their LGBT friends or family members. It is easy to navigate this issue mentally or spiritually if you believe that this is simply an issue of lust or sex, which is not the case. I believe that understanding the depth of these feelings helps breed greater empathy toward LGBT members of the church.

I want to express to any LGBT members who are currently going through this, that there are answers available when it may seem like there are none. There are roads to happiness. It is my experience that God is aware of this plight and that he will lead us down personal paths if we have the courage to follow him, wherever he may take us. In the past I have felt angry with God and thought of him as a mean parent. He is not a mean parent, not if we believe he is who he says he is.  I believe that as we intend to do his will and do our best and follow inspiration for our personal lives, that answers will present themselves that will lead to our happiness.